Asking for Help (It’s hard)

The other day, on social media, I asked for prayer.  I was humbled by the number of responses and extremely grateful.

Have a hard cry

It had been one of those days when everything went wrong.  The previous night we received bad news. My body ached more than it had in some time. My vitals were terrible. I was 10 minutes behind all day.  I literally sat down and cried to God. I told him exactly how I felt.   Last nights news, was news that we had expected to be good news.  It turned out to be the opposite of what we expected. I told God how we felt let down. How my health was not getting better.  It had seemed to be getting better, but the past couple weeks; it was only getting worse. Then I heard this tiny voice say ask for help. I went on social media and asked for prayer. (the best help you can get)  I repeat, it was a tremendous response.  If you responded, even if you didn’t say anything        THANK YOU   I am feeling better.


We are still in need of help.  My illness has placed us behind. My husband works extra hours. I have been unable to do much of anything except make it to doctor appointments, trips to the store, and making meals. Which has left me feeling useless.  I know that I have to take care of myself and get better so I can continue to take care of others for years to come. But when all my efforts seemed to be failing, I started to feel down. Before this happened, not only had we started outdoor projects, I had started streamlining our house.

My home is not this bad, but it feels as if it is

You know emptying the closets getting rid of stuff we hadn’t touched in years. It is all still sitting right where I left it months ago. Winter is here and the weatherization has not even started yet. So the other day, I was feeling bad about that. On top of it all, I learned the work car is going. But through many prayers, instead of just crying, I have started doing.  Inspired by my actions my husband and son are moving in a more positive direction.  Hopefully the work car will at least have windows that roll up.


The bottom line: When bad news pours, and our lives feel as if we are Job; we do not respond as Job, remembering God is in Control .  He has this and sometimes in the darkest hours, we just need to reach out and ask for prayer. 


Downhearted or hopeful

When the things of life get us down, we know we should pray, but it is easier to feel sorry for ourselves as if we hacontrolve any control. We don’t have control because God is in control.  It is why so many of us like organization. It gives us a sense of control.  But when we leave everything to God and trust his directions; wonderful things happen.  Leaving things to God letting go of the control.

Life will still bring us down, but with God in control, we can rest knowing things will be alright.

Isaiah 45:22-24:

“Turn to me and be saved,                                  smiling sun
    all you ends of the earth;
    for I am God, and there is no other.
23 By myself I have sworn,
    my mouth has uttered in all integrity
    a word that will not be revoked:
Before me every knee will bow;
    by me every tongue will swear.
24 They will say of me, ‘In the Lord alone
    are deliverance and strength.’”


Ecclesiastes 1:2:  Words of Solomon  hopelessness

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”

Have you ever read Ecclesiastes?  If you are prone to depression, you might not want to read Ecclesiastes.  This first verse sounds as if a depressed person wrote them. At least that is how it looks on the surface.

No one thinks that the person with everything could be depressed.

No one thinks that that smiling person could be depressed.  But as I said one of the most renowned men in the history of times, shows signs of depression.

read verses 17- 14:  It sounds as if he is tearing his clothes and crying out loud to God.

12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens.What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.cropped-forgive.jpg

If this is how you feel, I suggest reading the Psalms. but most of all find someone to listen.

Just remember we are all broken.  What we do with it is what defines us.



Distraction and Fear

I have been thinking lately, that I need to write something.  I need to refocus on my mission.  But I was overwrought with fear. If you remember, about 4 months ago; I had  couple of serious emergency room visits.  I could have died.  But God said it is not my time.  I have more work for you to do.  At first I was resolute, this was not going to stop me.  Then another more serious event occurred.

I understand God, I need to slow down.  No problem, but how do I do that.  The past few months have been discovering how to let things go.  The furniture needs dusting, so what.  I need to make blah blah – so what, If I get to it, I will get to it.

One of the best things that I have done to minimize my stress is to buy my groceries online.  Yes, I have to trust someone else to pick it out for me. If it is not satisfactory, I can send it back.  How it works is I place an order and later I go pick it up.  This means I can look at the product before signing for it. Yippee

The real battle is the fear; if I start going too fast, then maybe I will end up back in the emergency room. I have once, but God is faithful. In that room my husband and I prayed.  My blood pressure dropped to an acceptable rate.  We learned the importance of praying together.

But I still wasn’t finding time to write to tell people how wonderful God is.  How he is changing me.  Even today, I resolved to write.  Things distracted me.  First the router flashed a message about authorizing an update.  Okay done. Then I remembered that I needed to order groceries.

Recently, I have been reading scripture reminding me “I should not fear, God is with me.” It really struck home when the doctor started quoting scripture to me. The tears rolled down my eyes, as I smiled back at him.  I heard God in his words.  Sure I had read it. Seemed as if every scripture I read; God was reminding me that he is in control and that I needed to focus on him.

One of the distractions sounded as if it were God, but then I prayed for confirmation.  I started reading scripture that clearly indicated that my ministry can not be separated from my husband’s ministry.  It sounded as if God had answered a long time prayer for me.  But after the third scripture mentioning that my ministry is interwoven with my husband’s ministry, I knew that this was the evil one trying to sway me.  See they kept saying don’t discuss this with anyone, not even your husband.  This is contrary to scripture.  Which by the way, is a good way to tell if it is really from God.  God’s advice will never contradict his word.

In the mean time, I was distracted from writing.  I was distracted from my spouse supported mission.

When I told him this morning that I was going to write something, his response was positive, but I could also hear the “it’s about time” in his voice.  God speaks to me through my husband all the time.  If you think God is telling you to do something and you are not certain; discuss it with your spouse.  If their answer is not what you want to hear, then it is not God.

My husband has been extremely supportive as I heal. He has not complained about how messy the house has become.  He has supported my efforts to lose weight and to become healthier.  I practice yoga and Ti’ Chi.  They are different forms of learning to calm the mind and breathing.  It is more than that but for this it is enough. I am working on incorporating prayer with my meditation, slow breathing.  This by the way is Biblical.

Isiah 35:4: say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.”

Isiah 54:17: no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lordand this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord.

Proverbs Challenge Day 21

31 The horse is made ready for the day of battle,  but victory rests with the Lord.

Every day we are at battle.  The Evil one would love for us to put down our guard and allow him to rule with fear, anxiety, hate, and leave us feeling powerless.

Ephesians 6:10-18, describes the “Armor of God” horse that we must pick up daily to prevent the evil one from taking over our lives.  We must be diligent because he diligently seeks ways into our life.  As some of you may remember, I was recently diagnosed with AFIB. I became afraid of doing anything. My digestive track even stopped working, this combined with the pain from muscle spasms caused me to one seek help and two realize that although I thought I was leaning on God, I was allowing fear to rule my life.  It has been a long couple of months.  I was living minute by minute afraid that my pulse would elevate (and it was) and then I would die a horrible painful death.  It has only been a few weeks since I realized that my fear was making me worse and I m feeling tons better.  My fasting blood sugar is back down to under 100 which although I am still not able to check it without fear striking, I am certain that my blood pressure is lower.  My digestive track is starting to function normally.  I have returned to putting on the ARMOR OF GOD.

Proverbs Challenge Day 20

27 The human spirit is the lamp of the Lord that sheds light on one’s inmost being.

lamp-lightWe are called to be the Light of the world. But how can I be a good light to the world, when I feel so miserable?

It starts with one tiny act of kindness at a time.

Perhaps today you smile at someone that you wouldn’t normally even acknowledge.

Perhaps you allow the person with one item in the line in-front of your cartful.

Perhaps you tell someone that that blouse makes their eyes shine.

Perhaps you offer to help one person.

Here is the thing, when we feel miserable, it helps us feel better when we help someone else. As we show God’s love to others, we let our light shine.  After-all, it is Jesus shining through us.

Proverbs Challenge Day 6 The Ant

Proverbs 6: 6-11:  Talks about not being lazy.  Which given my current condition, is a struggle.  I have been dealing with some health issues for some time now.  I felt that God was telling me to focus on my health. Take some time.  But then I think about verses such as these, talking about doing. And I feel as if I am being lazy.  Neither my husband nor God saw me that way. I was allowing Satan to influence my thought pattern. God sees me as following his instructions.  However, I was used to going 100 mph and prayed to God to give me something so I don’t feel so worthless. When you are used to caring for everyone and then all of a sudden you can’t; it is easy to feel worthless. (Don’t give in to Satan’s jabs)

It is how I started writing this blog.  I am working on taking it a step further. Finding a way to make money that allows me to exercise and go to all my doctor appointments.  I am working on it.  But God has a plan and I will wait for his plan to unfold.

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander,
no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. How long will you lie there, you sluggard?  When will you get up from your sleep? 10 A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest—11 and poverty  will come on you like a thief  and scarcity like an armed man.


Mother’s Day can be SAD

I am mother who really doesn’t care for Mother’s Day.  Before bad stuff happened on Mother’s day, it was this day that I ran around making sure everyone had a good day.  Before I worked hard to emphasize it, Mother’s day was forgotten.

I would feel bad and then in turn try to make my family feel guilty.   See I was the kid who got up early when I was very young and tried to make mom breakfast in bed, or bake her a cake.  So when my family forgot, I felt cheated.

The next step was to remind them constantly that Mother’s Day is coming.  I remember one year when the first person to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to me was the head usher at church. That was ugly.

After that I pulled the let’s try super hard to make everyone have a good day.  But then I felt cheated because Mother’s Day is supposed to be celebrating mom – not seeing her be “Super Martha”  Mother’s Day is supposed to be “Super Mary”.

Then I kinda gave up on it.  Just let it be.  Shortly after that, I thought this year, I  am planning something big for Mother’s Day.  We will go to a resort hotel in Omaha.  I had made reservations.  We could go swimming and watch our favorite movies. See I had been trying to finish up my degree that year and was super focused on getting it finished. I wanted to make it up to them.

While I was trying to get in touch with my son, to bring him home so we could take off; he was busy being arrested.  The next year, my Grandmother died.  The year after that there was a huge riot at the jail where my son was staying.  He wasn’t involved it was a different unit. It still affected us.  The jail was locked down for almost 90 days and no visitors.  Phone calls only every other day and letters were delivered once a week for a short time. It was awful.

The last couple of years, my husband and my other son have worked very hard.  They try to help me forget my one son is in jail and my grandmother died on this day. They are trying to make up for years of neglecting Mother’s Day.  It is sweet, but the sadness is still there.

This year, I told them instead of buying me presents, just take me shopping so I can buy a few things for myself that I have been meaning to buy.  Since I hate to shop it is the perfect gift.  Because taking me shopping is the ultimate sacrifice. They keep me calm while I buy things for myself. I buy stuff for them all the time.

There are others that hate Mother’s Day as well.  Those who have lost a child either physically or to drugs and alcohol.  Some lost children due to disease, some sort of accident, or worse because some war. Some lost their children due to their own mistakes (which doesn’t mean it does not hurt thinking about children that they do not know where they are and cannot hold). Some like me have children in prison. There are ones that are trying to be a mother and seeing everyone with children makes them sad. Or the ones that had a miscarriage.

If your parents are still alive, cherish your mom.  That is another thing I have against Mother’s day. My mom is growing senile, lives 1100 miles away, and won’t answer her phone. She thinks the government is out to get her through her phone. Don’t take those mother/child relationships for granted.  If you are angry at your mom today is the day to fix it. There might come a day when you can’t talk to her. She might be senile, or worse dead. She might come up missing. She may someday forget who you are. She might be in a foreign country being held hostage.  She might be deployed in an area where communication is not allowed. (the same is true of children) We just don’t know what can happen.  Don’t wait for Mother’s Day or Father’s day to cherish your parent.

John 1: 12-13: Child of God

I frequently hear people say that they are worthless, stupid, and other things such as that.  It tends to irk me, but then I realize that I too have been just the same. I forget that I am a child of God and because I am a child of God, I am wonderful, beautiful.  There was a woman in my life that really made me struggle with this concept. She made me feel unworthy because of the way I dressed, wore my hair, and I didn’t wear makeup.  She told me that people won’t listen to me because I don’t look put together. What she didn’t understand is that I did the best that I could.  I was fashion illiterate. But that did not mean that I was any less capable of doing the things that God was pushing me to do.  I pushed and she told me that I was too stupid to lead a woman’s group. Too Stupid, Too ugly, and Too unpolished.  That held my Christian growth back a few years, because I actually started to believe her.

Then I started looking at Christian women who were in the public eye.  I noticed one thing that they all wore clothes that matched, they all had perfect makeup and they all had perfect hair. WHILE THEY WERE ON STAGE. Because I got to see one of these women out on the street.  They looked like me, jeans T-shirt, hair messed up but best of all NO MAKE UP. I asked her if this is how she looked all the time. She told me that most of the time she also has cow poop on her. Then I realized that it is not about your looks, it is about your gift. She explained that the polished look is just for the stage.  I listened to someone tell me that each of us is beautiful, each has our own gifts and we have to use our own talents. Just because mine is not all the girly stuff, doesn’t mean that God does not have a mission for me. But perception is  important.  What he has done is put people in my life that have shown me how to dress, wear make up and learn about fashion. While I teach them how to read the Bible, How to explore God’s word, how to live the life God has for them.  If that woman a long time ago, had been the great leader that she claims to be, she would have seen all the diamonds in the rough that God placed in her hands. All the diamonds that like me, she made feel unworthy. Because in that group there were many that she made feel unworthy.  She was wrong. Each child of God is worthy. Each had their own talents. Each has a purpose in the Kingdom of God.

John 1: 12-13:

12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— 13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

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